They call me mister Puss, even though my name is Syd. I have been falsely accused of a crime I did not commit! They searched every inch of my domain, without a warrant, asking me contstantly, “what have you done with the giant boxes of protein shakes?” Now, how could I have gotten inside the giant box of goodies when you have closed it and put my cans and what’s her face’s cans on top? Where is the evidence?
“You have priors!” My human animals said.
“How did you get my sealed juvenile records?”
“You ate three desserts out of the goodie box, and we have only found the wrapper on a chocolate cake, so we know you’re up to something!”
“The dog did it.”
“Ariel is not devious like you, cat burgler.”
“She is rather dumb. She makes love to your leg.”
“What about the time she was humping my leg and you were humping her in a disgusting beastiality chain?”
The media spun out of control. “CAT BURGLER CAUGHT IN ORGY WITH HUMAN AND DOG!”
The media always led with my story because of my great beauty. Also, humanspeak was not my first language, so I couldn’t always understand the charges.
Then came the torture. My human animals fled the country, and left me without food or company from 6am to 10pm. I could not follow them because the dog was my warden. Also because I am not allowed out. Also because in Canada you can’t cross the border if you have a DUI, and there was that incident with the catnip.
Then there was more gossip and slander. “CAT BURGLER WHO ATE 20 POWDERED PROTEIN SHAKES WILL GROW THIRTY FEET HIGH AND CLIMB SPACE NEEDLE.” ‘CAT KONG EXPECTED TO TERRIFY SEATTLE”
Finally, my accusers checked the goodie box one more time. There was a panel underneath that they didn;’t check, and there were the boxes of vanilla protein shakes.
It’s always all right in the end, and if it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.
So now I have a book deal and a movie deal.–Syd