1. Put Your Money where your Mouth is

The beauty of groupon, dealfind, tippr, bloomspot, goldstar, and living social deals is that they widen your horizons by giving you access to previously unaffordable restaurants, 1600 threadcount sheets, stylish glasses, trips to cancun–your receive access to businesses you could only dream of frequenting.  The beauty of these deals for businesses is that they suddenly attract individuals who would never dare step through the door by choice.

I wound up doing something only movie stars and talk show hosts need to do–getting my teeth whitened. It didn’t cost thousands of dollars, only forty-five at the smile clinic.  I was surprised to find myself in a small office in an upscale building  with two beautiful thin long haired women in their 20s instead of a dentist and dental equipment, I only reallized later, I was so blinded by their compliments and sunny dispositions.  “Oh, what a beautiful coat, come see this!”
“What a great coat.”  It was a great coat, a long beige suede coat with floral vines decorating it.
“Look at this ring!”
“My husband gave it to me in Bali.”  This is why we buy things when we travel, so we can point out where we bought them.
“Well he has great taste!”  They have skinny bodies and perky tits, but I have nice things.
“Now come here and lay down.”
She led me over to what looked like a beach version of a dental chair.  Not solid leather, but blue polysomething or other.
“Now I’m going to teach you how to do this yourself.  Put your finger in here” she gave me a pouch, “and wipe off the saliva on your teeth”
Then she did something strange with a q-tip, dangling it.
“Rub this over your gums, but do not touch your teeth.”  I found this difficult, and didn’t want to know the consequences of getting the gook on my teeth.
“Now we’re going to see what shade your teeth are.”  She matched my tooth color to teeth on a wheel.  I noticed my tooth matched number 30, and number 31 was completely gray.  I obviously needed this.
“Take this pen and twist it until the gel comes out onto the brush, and paint your teeth with it.  Do not paint the gums.  Good.”
She pulled a lamp over my teeth, and it shone blue.
“Take a nap for fifteen minutes.”  We repeated this three times.  I looked in the mirror.  My teeth were white!
“Take this pen home with you and paint your teeth with it every night before bed.”  Then she gave me the list of “don’ts.”
“Don’t drink caffeine, don’t smoke, don’t eat fruit, don’t drink juice or wine.  Your teeth are porous now and easily permanently stained.”
“Only eat white food without fat–boiled chicken, no skin, cottage cheese, pasta (no  butter), no vegetables, no salad, no bolognese sauce, no chocolate, no sweets..”
It was the diarrhea diet.  No one had told me this part!  :”If you must have coffee, drink it out of a straw–tepid, nothing hot or cold.”  Damn!  It was like living in Europe, drinking water without ice, which I rarely do.
I didn’t think I could do this diet, until I saw the magic words–for 24 to 48 hours.  The next morning I drank my beloved orange juice from a straw.  I skipped the coffee, and ate only scrambled egg whites for breakfast. “No wheat.”  I drank my protein drink, then worried if it had sugar in it, and ran to check on my teeth.
24 hours later I was drinking a tall glass of iced coffee and eating my nutrisystem lunch, a fake chocolate candy bar.
They wanted me to come back every three months–so this was a new comittment, like highlights, which I also have.
So my teeth are white, but suddenly I didn’t like my big wide smile.  It made my nose look too big, my eyes too small, and my face too wide.  I looked like Wallace from “Wallace and Grommit.”  And there ain’t no groupon for that.

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